Beyond the rules: A counselors take on better parenting in Singapore

May 3

Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in their own way – Leo Tolstoy

Adolescence is a transitional phase filled with great changes for both youths and their parents. During this period, teenagers go through significant biological, cognitive and social growth, in which they experience transitions in self, family and school.

When children are young, their small world mainly revolves around us – as their parents and caregivers. We are involved in everything they do, and the choices we make for them have an outsized impact on their world.

As children grow older and step into adolescence, their world expands as our significance in them diminishes – their lives begin to revolve around new centres, opening up the space for growth and new discovery. This transition is essential for their active engagement in the important and complex developmental task of forging their own identity. Driven by questions of self (“Who am I?”, “Who do I want to be?”) they leave our side to move into a world of exploration and self-creation.

However, such need for independence, expedition and active distancing often make us, as parents, feel disoriented, hurt and anxious. In a bid to maintain intimacy and control we may ask of them to tell us everything or overreact when our concerns clash with their need for privacy. Such approaches unfortunately do little to improve the parent-teen relationship.

It may be useful and heartening to know that despite our well-placed but oft-times poorly voiced concerns, teenagers’ insistence on autonomy, privacy, and space are developmentally appropriate and timely. That being said, teenagers still need our warm support and love as they navigate the growing complexities of self and world. It is here that effective communication becomes an essential skill that not only helps us convey important advice, support and understanding, but models for them emotional and relational skills that support healthy relationships and responsible decision-making.

So how do we communicate with our teens when they are always pulling away and never seemingly grateful for our attempts at conversation? It is here where we can turn to what the science says about parent-teen communication, and be heartened to note that teens do indeed rely on the skilful conversations we have with them for guidance, even though they might not actively express their gratitude towards us afterwards.

Tips to connect with your teen:

Share not tell
A power struggle with your teen only adds friction to the parent-teen relationship, limiting the opportunity in making a meaningful connection. Telling teenagers what to or what not to do or say can be anathema to a teen with a need to establish a clear sense of self, and could lead them to challenge our authority in order to balance power. A more skilful approach may be to invite the sharing of their experiences, thoughts or emotions. This affords us the opportunity to understand and validate their experience, while making room for us to share our own personal experience as guidance.

Example: “Would you like to share with me about what happened?” “Share with me whenever you feel ready.” “Could I share with you my experience on this.”

Listen with an open min
We are often too busy with figuring out the right things to say that we forget to truly listen. Many teenagers tend to share most openly about themselves when they feel relaxed and more in control of the situation. Pay attention to what they are sharing especially outside the context of a “serious conversation”. Reserve your judgement on what you perceive as “weird” or “unacceptable” ideas they share until you hear the full story. Although they might not have enough emotional experience like adults to place things in context, they already possess the intellectual capability to understand right from wrong. By refraining from judgement, reflecting what was heard or felt, we offer them the opportunity to reflect on their actions and take responsibility for them.

Love and encouragement
Change can be scary for anyone, let alone a young person with limited life experience who needs to adjust physically, mentally and socially in order to fit in. These overwhelming changes can make teenagers feel confused and emotionally vulnerable. As a result, their sometimes impulsive, risky and experimental behaviours can become a source of concern and frustration for us. But the truth is – they are often most difficult with us because they innately trust that we can manage their negativity and pain. No matter how much we may dislike their behaviour, our love for them remains. Reinforcing good behaviour through compliments or reassuring your love for them even when you explicitly disapprove of their behavior helps form a secure base in which teens are motivated to dare greatly.

Do as I do. Believe it or not, teenagers grow up looking up to us parents as their perfect role models. However, their maturing intellectual capabilities also make them sensitive to our inconsistencies and faults. It is important that we are congruent in our own behaviours before demanding the same or more from them. For instance, politeness and graciousness in speech are most convincing when modeled rather than approached from a do-as-I-say style.

Be honest. No one is perfect and no one needs to be. Being open about ourselves as a work-in-progress provides the opportunity for our teens to see life as space of constant improvement and learning. Admitting the limits of our knowledge models intellectual humility and affords the chance for mutual discovery and learning. Likewise, being honest about our emotions, struggles, and vulnerabilities builds authentic connection and empathy.

Examples: “Well, I don’t think I know the answer to your question for now, perhaps we can find out together.” “When I encountered a similar situation at your age, I cried really hard too. So I think I can relate to how you are feeling right now.”

In closing, while these parenting tips but scratch the surface of the academic literature that has accrued over the decades, we see that many of the most effective ones all arise from a similar place – that of understanding, vulnerability and authenticity.